These are the first couple of scenes of my script. The first page should attract peoples attention and make them turn the page to read on.
The format is a bit off but it's still readable. Please give me any feedback you may have.
A quick guide:
EXT: External as in outside or outdoors
V.O. : Voice only, a narrators voice or a voice from off scene.
Ursula's gift
EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY
A busy sidewalk in the morning with people hurrying to their jobs.
STANLEY (V.O.)
I never wanted to be a werewolf.
A tall, slim, handsome MAN in a black suit and white shirt is making his way along the sidewalk.
STANLEY (V.O.)
A vampire, certainly, yes, maybe. They have dignity. They have black suits and starched white shirts.
He stops at a zebra crossing. His black shoes are so shiny they reflect the passing cars.
STANLEY (V.O.)
They speak with charming accents, and their shoes are always shiny.
He crosses the road and bumps into a beutiful WOMAN who drops her handbag. Documents and makeup falls out. She curses.
STANLEY (V.O.)
Their victims are hypnotized with intense stares making them want it.
His eyes look at hers as he helps her pick up her stuff. She starts smiling.
STANLEY (V.O.)
And vampires are never poor. They have it all, everything. Except maybe a good tan.
The woman looks after the man as he continues down the sidewalk.
He walks past a werewolf movie poster posted to the wall of the building.
STANLEY (V.O.)
But a werewolf, no way. Werewolves are out of control. They lose it completely when struck by the rays of the full moon.
A FAT MAN also in an expensive suit is walking slowly, staring at the poster while at the same time failing to avoid being bumped into by the other passers by.
STANLEY (V.O.)
They cry and grab at their own sculls to crush the pain. The hands grow hair as the werewolf watch in panic.
EXT. BAKERY - DAY
The two men pass by a small bakery with delishious pastries on display in the window.
STANLEY (V.O.)
Human given over to the beast. Given over to hunger.
The handsome man passes the shop, the fat man enters it.
STANLEY (V.O.)
My name is Stanley Merriwether and this is my story.
The script so far gives a jovial mood - albeit for my taste very many stereotypes. So far it doesn't "catch" me but I'm interested to see more!
SvaraRaderaAre you thinking about the werewolf, vampire stereotypes? Or the handsome man, fat man stereotypes?
SvaraRaderaBumps into a beautiful woman.
SvaraRaderaA clumpsy fat man that goes for the pastries store.
These two are both stereotypes in this sequence.