As a comparison to the last post concerning the beginning I'll post my previous version for you to ponder.
As I said earlier, the first page should make you want to keep reading otherwise the script probably won't be read by a producing company. It should also establish what kind of movie it's going to be, kind of like establishing a contract with the audience.
Fade in
“1975, Canada”
INT. BAR IN NORTHERN CANADA, AFTERNOON
A mixed crowd of people are sitting at the tables in the smoky and noisy room.
THE JUKEBOX
is playing something like Creedence Clearwater Revival.
A COUPLE OF ESKIMOOS
are talking and drinking.
OILWORKERS
are playing poker at their table.
TWO MEN AND TWO WOMEN
are throwing darts.
SAM AND VICTOR
in their thirties are sitting at the bar. They are industrial millionaires, best friends and have been bear hunting all day. Sam is broad shouldered with thinning hair. Victor is slighter built with a brittish look. Sam is showing Victor a SILVER BLADED HUNTING KNIFE with Navajo etchings.
SAM
I got this little BABY as a gift in New Mexico.
The Navajo that gave it to me claimed it would
protect med against EVIL SPIRITS! HA!
VICTOR
smiles at Sam and nods to the bartender.
VICTOR
Two more shots!
TWO ESKIMOO WOMEN
enters the bar. They are about 25 and good looking.
SAM
looks at them, smiles and winks with one eye.
CUTE ESKIMOO WOMAN
Smiles back and looks away shyly.
VICTOR V.O(CONTINUED)
Let’s see how well protected you are against
these evil spirits.
EXT. BAR, EVENING
It’s dark and the only lights are from the bar windows and the cottages in the village.
THE DOOR TO THE BAR
slams open filling the area outside with light and music. A drunken Sam staggers out, supported by the cute Eskimo woman.
EXT. COTTAGE, EVENING
SAM
fumbles with his keys in the lock.
THE MOON
is rising above the trees.
ESKIMO WOMAN
smiles malevolently as she sees the moon.
SAM
succeeds in opening the door.
SAM
Time for us to set the Aurora Borealis a
blaze.
He turns around.
ESKIMO WOMAN
pushes Sam against the wall, hugging and kissing him.
THE MOONLIGHT
hits them.
ESKIMO WOMAN
claws at Sam’s face with her nails and snarls. Her arms and face are hairy.
SAM(V.O)
FEISTY! The way I like a woman TO BE!
She turns into a wolf and jumps at his throat.
SAM
manages to get his SILVER BLADED KNIFE out and
CUT TO:
INT. BAKERY, DAY, PRESENT TIME
A KNIFE
cuts through a cake.
Legend “Los Angeles – Present day”
ASIAN MALE SHOP ASSISTANT
continues to slice up the cake. He is in his late 40s.
Between the two introductions I like the first one best (the one you posted some days ago). This feels more like a X-files episode :)
SvaraRaderaHow about removing the steroetypes from the other introduction? Maybe that makes it better? Unless you want stereotypes of course.
You can always get another cheap pun out of him bumping into a "normal looking" girl complaining (via V.O.) that a vampire would have bumped into a prettier girl. That however changes the now distant VO to a more present VO.
I like the thought of a commenting V.O. That however suggests that the V.O. will comment on stuff all through the movie which I'm not that keen on implementing.
SvaraRaderaNot sure what you mean about the stereotypes. I want the classic werewolf and vampire stereotypes to be present in peoples minds as the story is about to change the view of those.